Ivan is a cat. a cat with three legs who wants to take a nap under your car after cutting the brakes. This is history, his story.
Born June 15th 2008, fathers day. Ivan's dad was part saber-tooth, part tiger shark, lifetime member of N.R.A. and worked on offshore oil-rigs. His mother was a high school lunch lady by day, boggle champion by night. Ivan was one of seven cats born that hot day. By 2010 he was the only known survivor of his family.
He moved out when he yearned for beer instead of mom's milk. Settling down in West Asheville, North Carolina, Ivan adopted some human punks. He even let them sleep inside despite their poor bathing habits and consumption of copious amounts of booze and drugs.
One morning when he was recovering from a wicked hangover Ivan heard a knock at the door. Peeling back the cardboard revealed three cops with thick mustaches standing on the porch. The first noise they heard from the otherside was, "Get meowta here!" Grabbing his vest, slingshot and a picture of his beloved mother Ivan bolted out the back door. Knocking two fat cops over during his exit, Ivan scaled two fences, kissed his girlfriend goodbye then stole her car. The ensuing car chase ended epically with Ivan T-boning a police cruiser, flipping the car and its overweight contents. The wreck killed two cops, one bird, and a buzz or two. Ivan was hospitalized. The doctors couldn't save his hi-hat leg.
Ivan woke up and demanded his amputated leg. When he got it he began swinging the shattered limb like nun-chucks at everybody within reach. He escaped the hospital with tons of painkillers and the helicopter. They only caught him when he landed for pizza and beer. They let him finish his slice then gave him only ten days house arrest because he's a cat that missed breakfast. Besides the cops that were at his house earlier were at the wrong address again.
Now Ivan owns a tape label, tours frequently, has wives in every U.S. port and owns the largest slot-car track in North America. To contact Ivan send him your questions via passenger pigeon, bird will not be returned. If you are fresh out of birds email your questions for Ivan to cesspoolsounds@gmail.com.
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TOM CAT
Ivan and his son, Ivansoar Jr.
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Ivan was spotted today listening to Death http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFs11ZFLpjE. When he's not busy helping older cats cross the street he likes to drink some tepid toilet water and give toothy kisses. Even though Ivan lives in a comfortable west asheville punk house, he loves his dumpster cat brothers and sisters. Up the cat punx n fuck cars! His 5th birthday is in two weeks, stay posted for party details.
ReplyDeleteToday Ivan woke up the entire household by blasting the Filth/Blatz shit split. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm_qnDFvmVo . Nobody had the nerve to tell him to turn it down, as he hadn't yet had his hazelnut coffee with three creamers. Ivan's turning five years old tomorrow! Come out to Lufty house early (not too early) for a record listening party. There will be rum cake, tons of string to play with and dank ass catnip.
ReplyDeleteIvan has been killing poser mice all day while listening to the new Toxic Nostalgia release. Toxicnostalgia.bandcamp.com Come to Static Age Records for the tape release and maybe you will get a chance to meet Ivan in person. Don't be totally suprised if he is drunk and a little rude.
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